


definition of beauty

by MandoGab



Series: I'll show you the stars [one-shots] [8]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types, The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Angst, Childbirth, F/M, Loss, Lost Child, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape in past, Scars, Secret Child, War, Without hope, beauty in every woman in the world, mental scars, war memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26619688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandoGab/pseuds/MandoGab
Summary: Five completely different women and five stories about how beautiful they are. It is enough that there is someone who will make them feel beautiful and loved.Inspiration:"Scars to your beautiful"Alessia Carapart 1 - Sabine Wrenpart 2 - Ursa Wrenpart 3 - The Armorerpart 4 - Satine Kryzepart 5 – Bo-Katan Kryze
Relationships: Alrich Wren/Ursa Wren, Bo-Katan Kryze/Fenn Rau, Ezra Bridger & Sabine Wren, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze
Series: I'll show you the stars [one-shots] [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699936
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	1. perfection

_She just wants to be beautiful  
She goes unnoticed_

"Sabine?"

"Ezra?" She asked, completely surprised. "Are you back already?”

"Yes, I finished early," he replied, looking around her studio, which looked as if at least a tornado had passed through it, or someone had stormed their little house.

"It's okay, I'll clean it up later," she muttered, sniffing and quickly wiping the tears from her cheeks so he wouldn't see them when their eyes finally met.

"What happened to your hair?" He asked, crouching down next to her and taking a handful of her hair, which (surprisingly) is her natural dark chocolate color. Suddenly he felt a slight tremor under his fingers, as if she was trying to hide something from him. He sat down behind her, stretching his legs forward so he could wrap his arms around her body and tuck her away in a safe place.

"What happened? He asked softly, letting her head rest against his chest.

"Nothing," she said softly, then closed her eyes.

"Bine," he whispered.

"It's okay," she said, but it sounded like she had something else to add. "It still happens. Even now."

"You're pregnant?" He asked with panic in his voice.

"No," she laughed shortly. "I'm not pregnant."

"So what is it, Bine? Your studio, your hair, you… what happened to you?"

"Nightmares," she only replied, hiding her face in her hands. „ _They_ were everywhere. _They_ were here," she whispered in horror, huddled in his arms like a little child.

"Shh, _they_ won't hurt you with your Jedi with you. I won't let _them_ hurt you, cyar'ika. I won't let _them_ ," he said confidently, then kissed her hair.

"I saw _them_ in my paintings, that's why I destroyed them," she said quietly, and Ezra looked around the room again, noticing the mess she had made.

The mess that was in her heart.

„ _They_ won't come back here, Bine," he whispered, kissing her again and hugging her as tightly as he could.

"You promise?" She asked, but didn't answer right away. There were tears in his eyes that ran down his cheeks. Who was not to come back here? Or what? Did he mean the people she had seen, or the nightmares he had himself had and couldn't deal with?

"Who was here?”

"Imperials, Cadets of the Academy, my family," she trailed off, swallowing a sob. "My family who left me.”

"Your family loves you, Sabine. Why would she want to hurt you?”

"I'm not perfect, Ezra," she whispered. "I wish I could be beautiful. I wish I could go back in time and be what they wanted me to be. I would never want to lose them."

 **[ideal]** \- _something absolutely perfect_

He didn't say anything.  
They remained silent, filled with sobbing, crying and injustice. Nobody prepared them for it. Nobody told them how to live in a world full of pain and fear. No one has indicated the path to follow in order to find happiness and themselves.

"I promise to protect you always," he whispered, putting his lips to the top of her head, but not tearing it away for a long moment. He inhaled her fresh scent, suddenly realizing he still didn't know what had happened to her hair.

"My mother said I was a warrior, not an artist," she said, as if she knew the question would come up eventually.

"You're both at once, Bine. You already have armor, which makes you a warrior, and now you need your old colored hair to become an artist," Ezra said quietly, smiling. Sabine turned her head to see her eyes for the first time that day. Red, scared eyes filled with tears.  
The amber, beautiful eyes he loved so much.

As her terrified face lit up with a smile, Ezra felt as if all the stars in the galaxy had suddenly flashed. His heart trembled and fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. The corners of his mouth curved upward, but his lips suddenly tightened into a narrow line, and a sob came out of him.  
"Sorry, Bine. I'm sorry I couldn't help you fight _them_ ,” he whispered.

With the monsters that haunted them.  
They fought them separately, though they were stronger together.  
He was ashamed to tell her.  
And now she recognized them too.  
As if the war was not a memory but a reality that had not passed.

"I heard you scream. One night. I woke up but I didn't look at you. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I covered my ears. And I've been thinking about everything except that you scream. I was afraid. I couldn't help you when _they_ took you from me again" she confessed.

"Shhh," he whispered, pulling her back to him again.

She knew about nightmares.  
She knew about everything.  
She knew they would always fight it.  
And each time they will fail in an unequal fight.

"I think we need to dye your hair," he said softly, taking a few strands of hair in his hand.

"What color are you thinking of?”

"Your favorite.”

"My favorite is blue.”

"Your favorite before it turned blue. In purple you are yourself.”

"Is that how you want me?”

"Yes, Sabine. I want real, beautiful, courageous you. I want my darling Sabine before I send anger will take you from me again," he whispered, then kissed her cheek.

He took her paints in his hands and asked her to close her eyes. He hadn't dyed her hair before, had no experience. However, he knew that it would help both of them, that it would distract them from everything they experienced on a daily basis.

She was thirty years old. She smiled as Ezra chuckled as he stared at his artwork. She was his art. His ideal. She was just Sabine.

"I promise I'll always love you," he whispered, looking straight into her eyes.

He couldn't promise _they_ would never come back.  
_They_ were still looking at them.  
To take their lives.  
Piece by piece.


	2. scarred

_you don't have to change a thing  
the world could change its heart  
no scars to your beautiful_

"Ursa?"

Her husband's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. She looked up to meet Alrich's worried gaze. In his arms he held their nearly two-week-old son, who at the moment was deeply asleep. The man only adjusted the baby's blanket to look at his wife again.

"It's okay," she said, giving him the plainest look she could ever get. She stood up slowly, hiding from him the physical pain that pierced her whole body as she rose to her feet. Only two weeks had passed since the birth and she did not feel strong enough to do even the simplest of activities.

She loved her son.

_"It will only take a moment," said her older cousin, who was with her in her worst time of giving birth. Ursa had no more strength. Even the breathing made her feel pain. She was wet with sweat and blood.  
"You said," she gasped, clenching her teeth suddenly, feeling her entire body tighten, causing another strong contraction she couldn't bear. "You said four hours ago."  
"Shirin, is there no other way?" Alrich asked suddenly, still holding his wife's hand tightly. Ursa looked at him weakly. She was so tired, physically exhausted, he could no longer accept her suffering.  
"There is another one."  
"Okay, if it doesn't hurt the baby, I agree to it," said Alrich, and Ursa just nodded, unable to say a word.  
Shirin gave them a soft smile, promising them that everything would be fine._

"He is so tiny" Ursa smiled, then kissed the head of her newborn son. She had waited for him for so long, and the last hours had been the worst when she thought she would see him soon. She didn't think it would all get so complicated.

_"Sabine of Clan Wren and House of Vizsla, future Countess and Commander of Clan Wren," Ursa said loudly, announcing the birth of her firstborn child. A little daughter, only three days old, slept in her caring, warm arms. The screams and loud cheers did not wake her from sleep.  
Alrich stared at the child as if it were the most beautiful creature in the world. An art he couldn't recreate. Then he looked at his wife. She was proud, serious and firm, but at that moment just smiling. She had dark circles under her eyes, caused by the sleepless nights she spent with Sabine crying, and yet, at that moment, he seemed to be beaming with joy. Their happiness was born into the world and chased away the dark clouds of war._

She loved both of her children.

She stood on the threshold of her daughter's room, watching her while the two-year-old stood by the wall, applying colorful patterns to it. Ursa did not have the heart to forbid her, although she did ask once in a while to clean up the mess. However, no one knew whether she was doing it for the sake of its own right, or maybe for her daughter, so that she would have space to paint. But no one ever asked about it.

"Mom!" Sabine shouted, noticing the woman standing on the threshold of her small, colorful room. She got up quickly and ran to the older Mandalorian girl, stretching her arms up, communicating that she would like to be picked up. Ursa was unable to meet her demand, so instead she grasped her hands in her hands so that the girl could walk ahead of her. Sabine laughed, taking the first step forward, knowing her mom had made the same move. In this game, Ursa imitated her own child, not the other way around.  
And that was beautiful.

_"Ni kar'tayli gar darasuum," Ursa whispered, looking into the man's eyes. Alrich smiled slightly, then pulled off his warm jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. Though he didn't regret catching up with him and stopping him, he knew they would both get sick from this incident. It was the middle of the night in the coldest month of the year, and she decided to say what I'd been waiting for a long time. Nothing mattered now. Only her and only him.  
"Ni kar'tayli gar darasuum, cyar'ika," he whispered back, placing his hands on her cheeks and bringing their lips together in a warm, gentle kiss. He closed his eyes, feeling pleasant shivers running down his body._

_He wanted her so much. He wanted to love her for the rest of his life. He wanted to be the reason for her smile, her happiness. He wanted to give her love, security, and everything she deserved.  
It didn't matter that she was working with the Death Watch, or that she was the right-hand of the Bo-Katan, fighting in the ranks of the Night Owls. To him, she was an ordinary girl who dropped into his art gallery one day to hide from the Mandalorian police. She was the girl who came out of hiding when his art gallery emptied to look at his paintings._

__

__

_She was the girl he fell in love with at first sight._

"Ursa, are you okay?" asked, peeking into their shared bedroom. Earlier he tried to contact to her comm, but did not answer. He decided to check it out personally.

"Yeah, okay," she replied blankly, without even looking up at him. She stared down at her own hands in her lap. Her stooped figure did not mean anything good. Rarely anything made her feel bad. She was tough and no matter what could break her.

"For sure?" Alrich decided not to let go. He entered the bedroom, closing the door behind him, then walked over to his wife and sat down next to her on the bed.

"Everything's fine," she said, though it sounded unreliable. Her gaze wandered around the room, but never stopped before his eyes. On the contrary, he was watching her closely. She wore a shirt and comfortable pants, the outfit was nothing like the Mandalorian ones, but neither of them liked sleeping in the armor. Well, the myths needed to be debunked - Mandalorians don't sleep in armor.

"You know you can tell me about everything," he asked once again, a little less sure, convinced that Ursa would get upset in a moment and their conversation would fail. However, this did not happen.

Alrich looked away for a moment, and when he looked at her face again, he saw tears on her cheeks. He said nothing, only took her hand in his own, stroking her skin with his thumb. He felt her body tremble as the emotions suddenly surged through her. They needed a few minutes of silence, broken by Ursa's silent suffering.

"This is stupid, Alrich," she said finally, working up the courage to look at him.

"What?" He asked softly.

"You know that I never paid attention to the appearance. A true warrior is supposed to be strong, I don’t have to be beautiful, but now… I don't feel well with all of this. I look terrible," she confessed.

Alrich knew what she was talking about, but remained silent.

"I'm not okay with it. This is so stupid. I'm acting like a child," she said, blaming herself for bringing it up. She turned her head, not expecting one of Alrich's hands to point her back at him. All she saw in his eyes was concern. He wasn't going to laugh at her and didn't think Ursa was exaggerating or trying to get attention. Maybe he had told her to rarely how beautiful she was and how much he loved her.

"It's not stupid," he said honestly, then moved his hand to her stomach. It was this part of her body, he knew, that she disliked the most about herself. Especially now, when the last childbirth went wrong for her. The operation left wounds on her flawless body which she somehow couldn't accept. She was covered with smaller and larger scars, but this wound was completely different. And it wasn't just about the exterior. "You made the best decision, Ursa. Our son was born safe and sound. It really doesn't matter how he came into the world. The most important thing is that you are both alive." Alrich smiled slightly, then wiped a tear from her cheek. "For me, you will always be _the most beautiful_ woman in the galaxy. Always. No matter what.”

"Even if I'm a grumpy old shrew?" she smiled.

"Even then.”

He laughed, then wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to him. Their lips met in a gentle kiss, like when they froze in the middle of the night in the cold. Similar to a thousand others made every day, yet completely different. Unique.

"You're beautiful. You are important. You're only mine," he whispered, burying his hand in her hair. Their foreheads touched and their eyelids closed, enjoying the peace and quiet of the night. Until then.

Suddenly there was a loud cry in the next room. Ursa sighed quietly, but a smile crept on her lips.

"I'm not just yours," she laughed, disentangling from his warm arms.

"No, not anymore," he replied, then stood up and offered her his hand. "I'll go check Sabine is still awake."

_"Alrich," she said, making him look at her. "Thank you for everything.  
"You're welcome," he replied with a smile as he watched her go. She disappeared suddenly behind the door at the back of his art gallery, hidden in the shadows from those who sought her. Secure. At least he hoped so._

_There was something about her that made his heart lighter in his chest. He had met her only three hours ago, but he wanted to get to know her better. This mysterious, militant, extremely beautiful Mandalorian woman who suddenly burst into his simple life._

"Alrich," she whispered before they parted at the door that led to their son's room. "Thank you for everything."

"You're welcome," he whispered back, placing a tender kiss on her temple. She smiled and a moment later disappeared through the door. He himself moved towards the next room.

Ursa Wren was like a picture full of secrets. Alrich could stare at him for hours, trying to guess what it was hiding, only to realize after a while that it was hiding scraps of memories, battles experienced and a strange kind of deeply hidden suffering. There were tiny scratches in the image, as if it had experienced more than it might initially appear, but it was the red line that ran right through the center that was causing the problem.

For Alrich, the painting was a work of art, though critics might call it cheesy.

Ursa was a work of art, pure beauty.


	3. hopeless

_there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark  
you should know you're beautiful just the way you are_

*******

_she couldn't remember the sun on her own skin  
she couldn't remember the sun, which didn't give much warmth on Nevarro  
in fact, sometimes she felt as if she didn't remember anything that belonged to the world_

"You're a Mandalorian, never forget that," her mother whispered, just before her death, as an entire unit of the enemy clan massacred their home. The girl was only seven years old and was forced to watch a war she didn't understand. She had seen the Mandalorians attacking her friends, the people she knew so well. In the hideous image of war, she saw more bodies falling to the ground, their souls leaving the earthly valley to become one somewhere in the afterlife. Hidden in the darkness, shrouded in the name of a ghost, she sat huddled, holding back a sob, clutching a necklace made of beskar in her hands. The sharp edges lightly cut her skin, but looking at the enormity of the war, she felt no pain - only fear.

*******

_she couldn't remember the words  
she didn't remember her childhood Mandalorian lullabies  
in fact, she felt as if she had forgotten the past without the war_

"We must protect our culture at all costs! We must become stronger to protect our families, our home and our planet in the future!" Her voice trembled as she spoke the last word, but her confreres did not catch the uncertainty. They shouted together with joy and hope. There was still what was slowly fading in them.

The Mandalore was on fire.  
And with her all heritage burned. The Mandalorian looked at the buildings engulfed by flames, the dilapidated courtyards, the burned works of art that the New Mandalorians valued so highly. Neither peace nor war were the walls of Sundari. She looked around, noticing crumbled assault groups, soldiers, adult people, weeping goodbyes to family members and friends.

"Hey you, help me!" One of the Mandalorians shouted. She looked at him through the viewfinder, noticing a woman lying next to him. "Do you have a medical kit? Anything to dress her wounds?" He asked the questions quickly, nervously, still clutching the woman's hand. The young Mandalorian shook her head, taking a few steps back.

"I…" she began, holding her hands out in front of her. The man stood up abruptly and walked over to her. He squeezed her forearm hard, violently, painfully, pulling her against him. Then he let go, handing her only the blaster.

"Shoot me and don't let my suffering continue," he ordered her, urging her to pull the trigger. She did not react. Her gaze went from warrior to warrior. Her hand was trembling. She wasn't even sure if they were fighting on one side. However, she knew the Mandalorian traditions and knew that she could not fulfill the Mandalorian's request.  
He saw her hesitation, reacted quickly. He pulled out a blaster and shot the dying sister / girlfriend / wife / lover first, then himself, exposing his body enough to deliver one precise shot.

"To the free Mandalore," his mouth whispered as he slid to the ground.

And she stood and watched.  
As if she had seen death for the first time.

*******

_she couldn't remember her own name  
she couldn't remember if anyone had ever called her his little daughter  
in fact, sometimes it felt like she never had a family_

She grew up many years ago when she saw death for the first time. The war shattered childish dreams of peace from her mind. There was no peace. Never.  
By hiding in the shadows like rats, the Mandalorians could keep themselves at least temporarily safe, at least temporarily hoping all was well.  
They could play in the world of peace in times of raging war.

"I'd like to come back to Mandalore with you," he whispered as he snuggled against her back, wrapping his strong male arms around her. She smiled gently under her helmet. She sighed softly, closing her eyes and pausing for a moment in silence. She feasted on the man's every breath, every beat of his heart, every touch, as his fingers made various signs on her body.

"I'd like to see you again," he whispered, turning her to his side, still clutching her body in safe arms. She lowered her head, after a moment feeling and hearing their helmets clap gently against each other, binding them together in a kiss. She dreamed of touching lips, moving in one rhythm, striking warmth, dissolving feeling. But a Keldabe kiss had to be enough for her.

"You wouldn't," she said, almost silently. There is something in her voice that breaks his heart. There is something about it that makes the Mandalorian feel tears in her eyes. And for the first time during this moment of oblivion, she thanks you for the command to wear a helmet.

"It doesn't matter what you think about yourself, cyar'ika. You will always be the most beautiful woman in the galaxy to me," he said seriously, placing his hands carefully on her helmet. The hard beskar under his fingers seems icy, just like the terrified gaze she hid.

They stood there for a moment, when suddenly it was over she felt the gentle movement of her helmet which was lifted a few millimeters upwards. The Mandalorian's hands are quick as they wrap around the man's wrists, who stop in an instant.

"This is the Way," she whispered, backing away from him.

She didn't have to turn to know he had left a moment later.  
He left and never came back.  
He was killed the next day.  
By connecting with others, they leave her alone. In the dark.

*******

_she didn't remember  
she didn't remember  
in fact, sometimes she felt as if she couldn't remember how to love herself_

She stared at the torn and scarred body. For burned skin, healing for months, not well-groomed due to lack of medical supplies. She was neglecting herself in order to help others, the more needy, those who stayed with her.

Over the years, making armor for anyone who needed it had left another permanent scar on her body, which she was never ashamed of, but which she hid thoroughly.  
Without hope, she showed signs of permanent damage, trauma and war, unable to break free from them.

"This is the Way," she whispered, looking at the pile of armor pieces lying around. She let a lonely tear roll down her cheek as her hands lifted one of the helmets. She put her own helmet against him, hearing the characteristic thump. Memories came back. The past struck twice as hard, taking away the remnants of what it once believed.  
She straightened, gathering herself, putting her composure in its place. Firmness and courage also pulled out to the wind, hiding sadness, grief, fear and pain deep inside.

She tried to remember the names of all the Mandalorians whose armor was now piled high. But she couldn't remember even half of it. Dendry, Serin, Verd, Paz...

She tried to remember her own name.  
Her name was...

*silence*

The Armorer.

*footstep*

She had no name or she couldn't remember it, it didn't matter. Once she was beautiful to someone, she was important, she was loved by someone and even belonged to someone. Today she had to find herself in a _new_ role. Find her strength and fight unequally with her own demons.

*silence*


	4. imperfection

_she says "beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything"_

She placed her hands on her flat stomach, sighing at her reflection in the mirror. There was something beautiful about this tragic scene, something full of hope that emanated from the inside of the young woman, and something incredibly sad, highlighted by the tears running down her cheeks.

Duchess Satine Kryze smiled slightly and wiped the wet skin with the back of her hand. Her movements were perfect, calm and composed, though she herself was a scrap of nerves. The perfectly sewn dress moved as the woman took a few steps towards the window from which she could look out over the land of her childhood dreams.

Shortly after the clan wars, she was taken to Mandalore to sit on the throne as leader of all the Mandalorians. But she knew she wouldn't be up to the task while the planet continued to plunge into the chaos of war. So it made Mandalore a pacifist world, renouncing weapons and violence. Some people supported her rule, others disagree with the current ideology, complicating everything she did.

Satine rested her hands on the windowsill, then looked out, feeling a nice warm breeze on her face. She closed her eyes, plunging her mind into darkness for a moment, closing herself from the world, pausing in the present. She took a deep breath, then another, trying to contain another wave of nausea.

If she could turn back time...  
If she could turn back time, she would tell him about the baby.  
She would ask him...  
She would ask him to stay with her.

She couldn't turn back time and couldn't ask him to. She was left all alone and would have to come to terms with it sooner or later.

She opened her eyes slowly, trying to remember the sight of Kalevala stretching out before her, covered with the shy light of the rising sun. She adjusted the warm cape on her shoulders as the wind grew stronger, making her shiver from the chill.

"You're here again," Satine heard behind her, but she didn't have to turn to identify who he belonged to. She nodded timidly, never taking her eyes off the horizon.

"I'm trying to remember this sight," she replied quietly, brushing back the hair that fell on her shoulders.

There is silence for a moment as the voice speaks again.

"Sorry to say this, but we should go home."

"So where is our home, Bo-Katan?" Satine asked, turning quickly. She looked into the little sister's eyes, making her everyday wild gleam suddenly dim. The redhead lowered her gaze, trying to focus on some point only known to her.

"I don't want to go back to Mandalore, I want to stay here. In our house" the blonde whispered, looking out the window longingly again.

"Kalevala is no longer our home," Bo-Katan whispered back. "If she ever was."

Bo-Katan did not remember the beauty of Kalevala, neither the sunrise nor the sunset. She tried to get rid of all those memories from her memory, get rid of the pictures of their parents, so that she would never miss them again. Satine used to catch her little sister suppressing crying and sobbing, locking herself in the darkest room of the palace, staring at the void they had left behind. It wasn't that she was soulless. She couldn't find her way, it was even harder in the dark.

"Give me another day," Satine asked softly, then glanced at her sister again to catch her eye in an instant. When she finally succeeded, she saw uncertainty in the girl's eyes and something that she might call fear. Though Bo-Katan wasn't afraid of anything.

"Fine. One day," she only said, then turned to leave her sister's chamber.

"Can we talk later?" Satine asked softly.

"Tonight," Bo-Katan replied, then left, closing the door behind her.

Satine's world was dark again, though the sun rose in the sky.

*****

Satine missed her childhood not only because of her home planet, which held a special place in her heart. Most of all, she missed getting in touch with her sisters.  
Evelyn Kryze remained on Kalavela, hiding from everyone. She was the oldest, but was never considered for the seizure of Mandalor. She was not purebred of the Kryze clan, though no one spoke of it aloud. She holed up on her home planet years ago, meeting her sisters from time to time. From year to year, less and less often, until no trace of it was lost.  
Bo-Katan Kryze was the youngest. All that was required of her was to be tolerable and to get out of the way whenever needed. She did not get involved in the problems of the planet, more and more often disappearing from the eyes of private teachers, hiding somewhere and devoting time to training.

Satine felt time slipping away from her, but she was utterly powerless when it came to the lives of her sisters. She couldn't leave them with her by force. Though her heart was bleeding with longing, she no longer hoped that everything would ever return to normal.

"Can it be like it used to be for a moment?" Satine asked quietly as Bo-Katan reappeared in her room that day. The girl looked at her sister in surprise, but nodded, not quite understanding what the older one meant exactly. Satine smiled gently, then walked over to her, hugging her against him. She sank into his tentative arms, absorbing the scent of her hair.  
She was trying to find in the gesture something familiar, something family, something she owned.

"What is it, Satine? What's happening?"

"I need to tell you something," she began quietly, tearing herself away from her sister.

"About what? Bo-Katan urged her."

"It's important, but you must swear not to tell anyone about it," Satine said, looking pleadingly at her sister. Bo rolled her eyes but nodded.

"I swear by all the Mandalore I won't say a word," she added as Satine waited for her promise.

The blonde-haired woman took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying with all her strength to calm her pounding heart. She felt nauseous again, but swallowed quickly to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. There was no time to break the conversation right now.

"Bo-Katan listen, I'm… I'm pregnant," Satine whispered, opening her eyes. Her sister stared at her in surprise. It took a moment for either of them to continue the conversation.

"How long did you find out?" Bo-Katan asked softly.

"Three days ago when we got here," she sighed, then sat down on the edge of the bed. She stared at the trembling hands, feeling everything suddenly overwhelm her. Not for the first time in her life, anyway.

"What are you gonna do now?"

"And what's my choice? I can't just go back to the Mandalore and pretend nothing is happening," she replied nervously. Satine always tried to get things done calmly, not starting unnecessary arguments, but in this situation she was unable to control herself. Fate wanted her to transfer all her frustration onto her little sister.

"All the more, you can't stay here as if nothing happened!" Bo-Katan snapped, suddenly appearing close to her.

"What should I do then? What would you do in my place?"

"Satine, I'll remind you that I'm only sixteen, I'm not a duchess, and I didn't go to bed with a random Jedi," the younger of them remarked as she sat down next to her sister.

"He wasn't a random Jedi," Satine whispered, smiling slightly.

"Then why didn't you tell him?"

"How do you imagine it, Bo? Jedi have no right to get attached, and our history shows just how much our cultures don't fit together. I couldn't ask him to leave the Order, nor could I resign from my position."

"Life is fucking complicated," Bo-Katan concluded as she lay down on her sister's bed, encouraging her to do the same. It was almost like the good old days. Almost.

Satine felt tears run down her cheeks as she lay moments later in her younger sister's caring arms. She wanted to cry with happiness and despair at the same time, but she wanted even more not to say anything and just stay in this position for the rest of her life.

"I can't be the mother of this child," Satine whispered, wishing her emotions slowly faded away. But she still held back sobs, screams, and despair. "I just can't."

Bo-Katan didn't answer, but her girly hand quietly combed her older sister's hair, trying to calm her trembling body. She considered the options in her mind, but none of the ideas was perfect enough to be put into practice.

"I'd like to help you, Satine, but-"

"Hey, it's my fault and my case I have to take care of. I'm sorry Bo-Katan for drawing you into this" the blonde said softly, wiping tears from her cheeks.

"What about Evelyn?" Bo said, getting to her feet suddenly. She propped herself up on her hand, looking at her sister's painful face.

"Evelyn hasn't been alive in over two years, and I can't suddenly burden her with a child. Besides, how could she give them back? Even though she shouldn't stay with me, I can't imagine my further life without this baby" she smiled shyly.

“You can't get attached to him if you still want to be a duchess, Sati. What would people or your closest advisers say? One thing is for sure, this baby cannot stay with you. Maybe someday, when better times come..." she dreamed for a moment. "But not now."

Satine nodded, knowing her sister was absolutely right.  
She couldn't take care of her own child. She had to abandon them. Or else - she had to separate from him - physically and emotionally. To stop being a mom to him...

Obi-Wan Kenobi couldn't become attached to her.  
Satine Kryze couldn't become attached to their child.  
And it made them destroy each other.

*****

She heard the first scream of the baby through a fog, when tired of several hours of labor, she was finally able to welcome her baby to the world. She knows in her surroundings There were only medical robots and Bo-Katan, who accompanied her sister during this difficult time for her.

"You did it," the redhead whispered, trying to hide her tears.

"Now it will only get harder," Satine whispered back, stretching her arms toward the screaming child. A moment later her son rested on her breast, calming down after a while, feeling his mother's presence.

Satine asked for an hour to say hello and goodbye to her son.  
Bo-Katan wasn't thrilled with the idea.  
Evelyn agreed.

Korkie Kryze was born on the Kalevala after his mother, Duchess of Mandalore, left the planet she led and went to a land known from her childhood on the pretext of settling important matters. Operating undercover was the only idea they had, and in such situations, every idea was good.  
Hiding pregnancy in the palace chambers on the Kalevala was not difficult, everything was thought out and planned in advance. And everything went according to their plan.

A few days later, Satine and Bo-Katan returned to Mandalore, but neither was the same. They both knew there was no other way, that they couldn't have done otherwise. Evelyn was a good woman, she had her own little family herself, her husband was trustworthy… they felt they had done the right thing to leave the baby there.

Satine was separated from her lover (man and child).  
She was separated from happiness.

And then Bo-Katan left, razing her world to the ground.  
Satine couldn't give up, she still had someone to fight for. She had lost so much, but by losing she was building anew - her own, safe, perfect world.

However, she realized that life was not perfect. Instead, it is full of pain and suffering. Perfection sinks into a sea of pain, destroying a woman from within. To strive for perfection is to strive for self-destruction.

She wasn't perfect.  
In fact, she was herself. Not perfect.

And then she died.  
Not perfect.


	5. destruction

_she don't see her perfect, she don't understand she's worth it  
or that beauty goes deeper than the surface_

"Bo-Katan?"

Whisper. A soft, slightly hoarse voice that escaped from his mouth, somewhere in the space behind her. She didn't move, didn't even flinch, as his hand was on her back, calmly stroking it, leaving fingerprints on it.

"Bo?"

Whisper. A delicate, quiet, uncertain voice that echoed in her ears, breaking the silence that had been intact so far. She turned to him, looking over her shoulder to see his sleepy, tired eyes filled with boundless concern. She smiled gently, though the gesture was hopeless.  
Tears were streaming down her cheeks, her hair was completely disheveled as if she had tried to tear it out with handfuls a moment earlier.

"Bo what did you dream about?" He asked softly. "You screamed."

He sat down next to her, putting his right arm around her.

"I'm sorry to wake you up," she replied through her clenched throat, feeling more tears come to her eyes. She quickly rubbed her face to get rid of the feeling and prevent another panic attack.

Pre Vizsla, she wanted to answer, but the words caught in her throat. She wanted to even spit the name out, but not even a whisper came out. Her lips twitched as she pressed them tight against a sob.  
Fenn was so close, and she felt all alone, surrounded by nasty, dirty hands that touched her entire body. Around her, she heard a disgusting voice whispering how beautiful she was, how delicate, how brutal, how sexy... She squeezed her eyes shut, taking a few deep breaths.

"Cyar'ika?"

Bo-Katan's reaction was immediate.  
She always had the blasters with her, now, she suddenly pulled them out in a flash, aiming two barrels at the confused Fenn. The man raised his hands defensively, moving away from the woman.

"Ke’mot!" She screamed as she climbed out of bed, still keeping the blasters from her target. Her hazy gaze continued to stare into his uncertain eyes. It kept backing away, increasing the distance between them.  
Fenn also had a gun nearby, but not knowing what had suddenly happened to his woman, he wasn't going to reach for it. Her eyesight was almost possessed, as if she were still asleep.

"What's going on, Bo-Katan?" He asked softly.

She didn't answer.  
She fired, hitting the wall behind him. She didn't want to kill him. She wanted to scare him, maybe chase him away. He wasn't afraid of her, and he certainly didn't want to leave her here.  
He held his hands up, showing her that he was giving up. He stood up very slowly, all the time looking into her eyes as if he could read the whole truth and her next movements.

"N'jurkad!" she screamed, overcome with panic, fear and maybe… despair. She wasn't crying, but he could have sworn her eyes were filled with invisible tears. He had no idea if he'd ever seen the real ones running down his cheeks… until tonight. He carefully took a few steps towards her, still trying to be friendly, not making any hasty movements. Next time she could shoot him without missing.

"Look, Bo-Katan, I don't know what happened," he began calmly, trying to get even a little closer. Her keen gaze followed his every little movement. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Usen'ye!"

"Bo-Katan," he began, but she cut him off again, then straightened her arms, aiming two blasters at him. Her eyes suddenly filled with tears, as if she was still fighting, as if she was waging a war in her own heart.

His body trembled, a shiver ran down her back as she looked at him with hatred. For a few minutes she was indestructible, standing opposite, blasters drawn, aiming at the man.  
To the man. To a man who calmly approached her, who tried to calm her down, who was looking at her anxiously. He looked into her eyes lovingly.  
She felt heavy tears under her eyelids, and after a while of fighting she let them run down her cheeks. the sob that escaped her throat made her completely out of control of her emotions.

"Fenn?" She whispered, falling suddenly to the ground, releasing blasters. The man quickly ran to her, kneeling beside her. "What is happening with me?" She asked, still crying.

Fenn wasn't going to just look at her anymore, so he pulled her close in his arms and held her still for a long, long time as she muffled a scream in the sleeve of his nightgown. He let her cry, release all emotions, but he still couldn't understand why she suddenly attacked him.

Or maybe something attacked her?

*******

"Please," he said softly, handing her a cup filled with hot infusion that was supposed to make her feel better. Bo-Katan smiled, thanking you silently for the kind gesture. She remembered how Satine often brought her warm infusions when the younger sister was unable to sleep. She also sang quiet lullabies and hugged her to each other so that Bo-Katan sleeps.  
The mandalorian did not require the man to start singing, but she did not have to ask him to wrap her in a warm blanket and pull her to him. A moment later they were sitting with cups in their hands, leaning against each other.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked softly. She sighed in response, composing a dozen words in her head at once that she wanted to say, but still didn't dare. "You shouldn't run from this any more."

"You're not changing anything," she said dryly, straightening suddenly. After a moment, her shoulders bent forward again, and her hair fell back covering her face. She raised the cup to her lips, but her hands were shaking too much for her to take a sip. Fenn didn't have to hear a sob to know something was wrong. He reacted quickly, picking up her mug, then setting them both aside.

"Fenn, I," she began quietly, then turned her head toward him, meeting worried eyes staring at her figure. There was no regret or disappointment in them. She saw a bit of fear in them, but most of all they emanated with concern. The man didn't wait for her sentence to finish, he just leaned in towards her, bringing their lips together in a gentle, calm kiss. His warm hand was on her cheek in just a few seconds. He stroked the tear-soaked skin with his thumb, making her want to throw away all the feelings again. A sob escaped her throat as she broke away for a moment from his mouth. Fenn wasn't going to let her hide from him this time, however.  
She closed her eyes, only feeling his hands touch her cheeks.

"Look at me, Bo," he asked softly.

He was not afraid to look into her glazed green eyes filled with pain. He knew there was a similar feeling in his eyes. The past was still there, as it was still alive in him. And there was nothing wrong with that, until they forced it out.

She raised her eyelids.

"I would to tell you about it, but," she trailed off, as if still hesitating. "But I don't know how," she finished in a barely audible whisper.

"Bo-Katan, I don't want to force you to do anything. I just want to help you," he said calmly. She nodded, then kissing his lips again, this time initiating a kiss. Their lips moved delicately, as if still hesitantly, as they did when he first dared to kiss her twenty years ago.

He brushed his hair back from her face, taking the initiative and sticking himself tighter against her lips. He rolled her back slowly, taking care not to let her hit her head, which she commented in her head as cute. He smiled slightly as she giggled at his caution. But Fenn was like that - he had to be sure that everyone around him was safe. She was sincerely touched by his care.

She allowed herself to shed his shirt, smiling broadly. Despite the passage of so many years, his body remained perfect in every way. She had to admit that she still couldn't resist looking at him. He gave her a shy smile, his fingers suddenly under her own shirt. She shuddered, pulling away suddenly as if his fingertips had suddenly hit her delicate skin.

"Fenn..."

"Let me see you," he asked, but she shook her head, biting her lower lip.

"It's been years since anyone has seen me," she said softly. "Vizsla wasn't too delicate-"

She immediately fell silent, looking down. Fenn stared at her for a moment, having no idea whether he should pursue the topic or leave it and completely forget it.

"He hurt you?" He asked softly, placing his hand on hers.

She didn't answer.

"Bo-Katan, what did he want from you?"

She looked up, eyes full of tears.

"He came to see me after one of the missions. It was late, they were all in their own tents. I was alone. Ursa returned home, her delivery was approaching, and she did not want her child to be born in the Death Watch camp," Bo-Katan said softly, though each word was filled with pain and uncertainty. Fenn nodded, slowly stroking her hand with his thumb. At the same time, he wanted her to continue, and he wanted her to end the story immediately. "He kept saying how beautiful I am, how much he loves me..."

Fenn knew that Pre Vizsla had feelings for his beloved. And he didn't do anything about it.

"He took me by force when I rejected his kiss. He had such strong hands, immobilized me and… took what he wanted. He raped me," she concluded, her voice trembling.

Fenn looked at her… with shock. Tears glistened in his eyes.

"You're beautiful, cyar'ika. Cyar'ika," she whispered. "He was still called me cyar'ika."

Cyar'ika. Sweetheart.  
Fenn said that to her when she awoke in the middle of a nightmare. It was that night that she dreamed of that event. Perhaps she still felt this physical pain, perhaps everything was left in her. Every breath he takes, every scream and every word.

"I haven't told anyone about it until now," she said, looking up, hoping that he would find his gaze again.

She saw pain.

"If I knew, Bo… if I knew, I would have killed him," he hissed, fighting back tears. "I'd kill him with my bare hands."

"I didn't want to start another war, so I left you and stayed with him. He promised never to touch me again. He knew about us Fenn and he knew how to destroy me. I left because I was afraid of what he was still capable of."

Fenn looked away, tears running down his cheeks. What was he going to tell her?

"I'm not beautiful, Fenn. I'll never be again," she whispered, then grabbed the edges of her own shirt and tugged it up in one motion.

He looked at her. Her body was scarred. Long, deep scars. A shiver ran down his spine as his fingers touched one of them, feeling the gouging on her pale skin distinctly. He ran along the scar, struggling to hold back a sob.

"I'm not the Bo-Katan you met anymore. I am destroyed and disgusting. I hate myself like that," she whispered.

"I love you, Bo," he whispered back.

"What?"

"I love you," he repeated a little louder, staring straight into her eyes. "It has always been this way and it will always be. No matter what."

Bo-Katan Kryze was a fighter, an extremely serious and proud woman who he always considered indestructible. Pre Vizsla, however, took away her strength and dignity, making the war she fought more and more difficult to bear with each passing day.

Fenn stared at her body without seeing any scars - just a _battlefield_. Every furrow, every scratch carried a story that Bo hid at the bottom of her heart. Like the secret of taking away her right to decide for herself.

"I'm sorry I never dared to kidnap you. I would lock you somewhere safe and release you when the war is over."

"You know perfectly well that I could escape," she laughed shortly.

There were so many emotions in her that completely contradicted each other.

"I know. But I would try anyway."

She loved him, loved him so much, though she still couldn't say it out loud, as if she didn't want to destroy anything. As if she didn't want to make the words a reality, then a gulf in another moment.

"You're not disgusting, Bo-Katan. You are beautiful in all your simplicity," he said softly, filling her interior with a pleasant warmth. "It's just scars, Bo. It's just the past."

Just the past that changed them both. The past was like that, it changed everything.

"I love your eyes, Bo. I love your body, I love every scar, I love every part of you," he said with a smile, then kissed her lips briefly. "For me, you are the most beautiful woman in the galaxy."

She laughed briefly, and her cheeks flushed. It just looked beautiful.

"Maybe a little thank you, darling, what Kryze?" He snorted. Completely playfully.

"Thank you cya're," she whispered, letting him kiss her again.

"Let me love you for the rest of my life," he asked.

Bo-Katan's eyes filled with tears again. She nodded her agreement. She loved him and wanted to be by his side forever - wake up in his arms and fall asleep to the accompaniment of the man's warm breath.

She felt as if she had long ago exhausted the limit of miracles that had prepared her life, but what she had just experienced was the greatest miracle. He was her greatest miracle, her hope and rescue. Her protector.

"My beautiful Mand'alor," he whispered, drawing her to him and locking her in safe arms. He placed a gentle kiss on her red hair, then closed his eyes, feeling the sun's rays burst into their tent. He smiled, knowing he wouldn't have to convince her too long to stay in bed longer that day.

"Ni kar'tayli gar darasuum," she whispered.

"Ni balyc kar'taylir darasuum gar," he whispered back.

She fell asleep a moment later in his arms.  
He hoped the nightmare wouldn't come back. He knew the past would come back more than once, but he was ready for this fight. He knew that whatever happened would always be with her.

He would never let her go again.  
He wouldn't let her hurt.  
He wouldn't let her think she was disgusting.  
He won't let her destroy it.

He will never stop loving her.  
The most _beautiful_ woman in the galaxy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading! ❤️
> 
>  **Always remember – you are beautiful, no matter what others say. You are the stars! You are important! You are awesome!**  
>  The Force will always be with you!


End file.
